Positive Failure

Her head lay on her arm, rested on the rim of the toilet seat, eyes barely open. A spinning sensation filled the atmosphere of the room, but simultaneously a numbness controlled her senses. She knew without a doubt her thigh was on the bathroom floor and that her heartbeat was rapid, but still would believed differently if someone merely suggested it were so. Memories of walking into the room and crouching to rest on the toilet were non-existent, but somehow she knew everything pertaining to her current location.

Suddenly her head was in the air, rocking back at forth with her heartbeat. Between waking with no recollection of coming to the toilet and the time it took to realize, she had again vomited, the eighth purge since the dinner of pills. Acquaintances from school, her father, and her once friend surrounded her as she stayed crouched near the toilet.

It’s your fault your mother left me. If you weren’t such a self centered bitch with your head up your own ass, she’d still be here.

Hey slut, I hear you like it up the ass, wanna go for a ride with me? Brian tells me you rocked his world.

I can’t believe you fucked my boyfriend you bitch! You were supposed to be my friend! You fucked my Brian and won’t admit, try to tell me he’s lyin’? We’ve been together for 2 years, I can’t believe you would fucking lie to me and said you didn’t do nothin’, that it was all him. He told me how you took advantage of him when he was drunk, and you expect me to believe he’s lying you slut!

Blackness sank over her vision as the clock began to chime downstairs.

Now lying in the bathtub naked, no water, what seemed to be only a few minutes later. The clock again chiming downstairs. Unlike before, she new nothing of how she came to be here, nor why she would be naked, especially as she felt as if she were frozen inside a block of ice. Her eyes felt dry as she looked around trying to make sense of her lack of clothes, closing again but still conscious. Brian’s laugh echoed around her as phantom tears threatened.

You were so cute when passed out after all the others left. Think you’re so smart…she asked me to drive you home as it was so late and she didn’t want to be in trouble with her curfew, so trusting.That laugh once again vibrating in her ears, becoming aggressive. But you woke up too soon, i’d barely had my pants unzipped. don’t worry baby. A mocking sweet whisper while petting her head as if lovingly. We both know you wanted it, you only refused for loyalty, such a good friend. I couldn’t deny you something you wanted just for that. And it won’t hurt so much next time, now you aren’t a virgin. Shhhh, It’s OK baby.

Turning her head to the side to vomit without realizing, she fainted again.

It had been so easy to do, stealing all those pills. Her friend always left the prescription bottles lying around, and being so messy was always losing them. No, her friend would not notice their absence, would only think they had been lost again. Several occasions of taking on visits would hopefully provide enough. She’d smile and laugh and pretend she were strong, and swipe away the bottle immediately at the turn of a back. Snuggled between a nearly empty wallet and the bottom of her bag, the orange plastic bottle would wait patiently to meet the others tucked away inside a stuffed dog. Waiting for a weekend alone.

She was shaky and weak as she noticed the vomit on her arm, so she turned on the shower with her foot. Cold water drops felt like pins as the rinsed away the weekend. Standing up and clutching at the wall for support, she turned the faucet off and climbed out of the tub. the clocked ticked each second of the five minutes it took to walk next room over toward her bed, water dripping on the carpet. The mattress caught her as she fell forward.

But only a minute later she woke. Something wasn’t right. She was feeling too well. Weak, very weak, but not about to die.  She reached for her cell phone and turned it on, here eyes losing focus twice waiting for the home screen. Sunday 1:02 p.m. Last time she looked the screen had told her it was Friday evening.  A weekend of suffering gone to waste.

Her dad would be home soon, she must make herself appear as usual.